The Song of the Elder Fairy

THE SONG OF THE ELDER FAIRY

When the days have grown in length,

When the sun has greater power,

Shining in his noonday strength;

When the Elder Tree's in flower;

When each shady kind of place

By the stream and up the lane,

Shows its mass of creamy lace

Summer's really come again

"The Complete Book of the Flower Fairies"

One of nature's medicines is the wild elder (Sambucus species). A shrubby, unruly bush found among hedgerows, this small tree is lanky and not much to look at when not in bloom. Attempts to rid unkept landscapes of this shrub are often in vain as it easily resprouts even after a hard pruning.

However, every June this versatile herb is beautiful as it is covered with large, saucer-shaped off-white flowers. 

These flowers can be gathered and used as a food source such as flower fritters, a wash or toner to maintain clear skin, soothing skin care salves, a medicinal tea to clear congestion in the respiratory tract, relieve hay fever or aid in reducing fevers. Poultices for minor burns, wounds and swollen joints are made with mashed flowers wrapped in layers of cheesecloth. Elder flower water was once considered a valuable beauty aid among women to keep the face blemish and freckle free, as well as a great aid for sunburn.

 

The following vinegar spritz combines elderflowers and rose petals with raw apple cider vinegar to create a soothing sunburn relief body spray.

A variation in the recipe for the sunburn soothing spray and we have a wonderful ph balancing facial toner. Raw apple cider vinegar helps bring balance to troubled skin and helps with blemishes.

Elderflower & Rose Facial Toner

Sunburn Spritz

The use of elderflowers for a balm or salve is a win win from the delicate skin of baby bottoms to the fragile skin of the elderly. The flowers are rich in anti-oxidants and contain anti-microbial and anti-fungal properties that help keep the skin healthy. Below is a very soothing salve which combines elderflowers, calendula flowers and lavender buds, all safe and soothing for any age.

Baby Bottom Balm

In the late summer, the flowers have turned to dark blue berries often sought after for jam, wine and syrups. If you wait too long the bushes are soon stripped clean by the birds. Don't eat these right off the bush. The fresh berries can upset your stomach. Dry or cook the berries before eating them. If you do collect your own elderberries, make sure they are the dark blue or black ones and not the red berries. The red berries belong to S. racemosa which is toxic.

Elderberry Syrup

More information on Elderberry Syrup

Coconut Oil, Hair & Body Care, Inside and Out

Coconut oil has been used for generations and is regaining its well-deserved popularity for both cosmetic and nutritional value. Known for its ability as a hydrator to help skin and hair retain moisture, coconut oil is an excellent hair oil for all hair in need of repair, but especially beneficial for people with more porous hair. A valuable oil for those whose hair becomes dry, brittle and frizzy due to chemical treatments such as heat straightening, relaxing or coloring.

Coconut oil is derived from the mature fruit of the coconut tree, Cocos nucifera, which is native to tropical regions of the world. You only have to admire the beautiful, healthy hair of the people from these areas to discover this secret to maintaining such shimmering tresses. The oil is found inside the coconut shells. Freshly picked, the mature coconut kernel is chopped, shredded and dried to a 10% moisture content, which is then cold-pressed to extract the virgin coconut oil. 

A hair is just like a hollow hose or a tube. By penetrating this hollow hair shaft, coconut oil gives more body to hair and makes it feel full of body and shine. The hair's own moisture is retained as the coconut oil seals and prevents this moisture from escaping into the atmosphere. 
By entering into the hair shaft, the hair is conditioned from within. This supplies moisture to the hair follicles which protects them from heat and environmental damage.

Our hair is make up of proteins. The usual shampoo formulations can result in protein loss during washing. Protein loss from hair results in weak and unhealthy hair. Coconut oil is unique to other oils in that it has a strong affinity for hair proteins not found elsewhere. Coconut oil is able to minimize this protein loss by its ability to seal and waterproof the hair. 
The hydrophobic oil characteristics (meaning to repel water) allow it to inhibit the penetration of water. Coconut oil is able to actually bind to the natural protein structure of the hair. This helps hair retain its natural moisture. 

Coconut oil achieves the best results when used as a pre-wash treatment. When hair gets wet the cuticle, or surface of the hair shaft, rises, which makes it more prone to breakage. (That is why it is best to be careful and not pull while combing out wet hair) As the hair naturally swells upon getting wet, a small portion of oil is absorbed into the hair fiber. Coconut oil protects by binding to the hair's inner proteins and keeps this swelling to a minimum. By inhibiting the penetration of water into the hair strands, it coats and conditions the outer cuticle layer and increases the hair fiber's pliability while reducing static electricity, thereby preventing damage and the frizzies.

Hair types such as black hair, which have more porosity problems, tend to take in more water during washing. When the hair shrinks back to normal while drying, the cuticle can split. Coconut oil helps reduce the water uptake and swelling by binding to the proteins. In keeping excess water out, the hair is under less stress as it naturally contracts to dry, resulting in less tendency for damage.

Perhaps you have heard that supposedly coconut oil makes your hair grow. Well, now we're told it is just a myth. By improving the health of your hair, there is less loss through breakage, so in reality you are just keeping your hair without it falling out by breaking off. Foods high in omega-3 fats will help with healthy hair growth.

COCONUT OIL HAIR CONDITIONER, BODY MOISTURIZER

TO USE: Coconut oil is solid at room temperature and begins to melt around 76 degrees. There are two ways to use the oil. It will melt at the touch of your fingers, so you can just dip out a bit with your fingers, let it soften in your hands, and apply. 

Or, you can put a bit into a small cup and put the cup into a warm (not hot) water bath till it melts and apply as a liquid.

Be careful not to use too much at a time or you'll end up with greasy hair. A little bit goes a long way!

Start with 1/4 tsp. for short hair and experiment depending on hair length and thickness. Long hair may need a TBSP.

Wet your hair first and place a towel around your shoulders to catch any drips. 

Distribute throughout your hair. Applying it to your scalp is optional but in doing so does aid in the absorption of nutrients and relieves dry scalp flakes. 

Once the oil is applied, cover head with a shower cap, towel or pillow case, relax and leave it on for at least 20 minutes, an hour or two would be great. You don't want the oil to chill and harden onto your hair, so the cover is important.

Follow-up with a shampoo. A trick to getting out an oil is to first apply the shampoo throughout your hair before trying to rinse it out. You may need to re-shampoo to get it all out of your hair so it doesn't appear oily.

This application can be repeated daily until the dryness is gone or just periodically to maintain a shiny head of hair. 

TIPS:

1. Those annoyed with a flaky scalp may see great improvement. Dandruff can be caused by skin conditions, chemicals in hair products or from the presence of yeast/fungal infection. Coconut oil contains lauric acid and capric acid whose antimicrobial properties can take care of funk on the scalp. 

2. Help increase blood circulation by giving yourself a scalp massage. Use about 1 tsp. coconut oil and use gentle pressure with your fingers for about 10 minutes. 

3. Just scrunch a bit onto the ends of your hair and leave in. Great for preventing split ends.

4. Tame the frizzies by applying just a tiny bit to hair before styling.

Coconut oil has a multitude of uses in skin care besides your hair. It can be used as a moisturizer and healing remedy as well.

Cold-pressed organic coconut oil mimics sebum, the skin’s own system for lubrication and waterproofing. Being our skin is the immune system's first line of defense, to use a product with anti-microbial, anti-viral, and anti-fungal properties, your body gets a hand in it's defense. 

Coconut oil is the perfect moisturizer because it is lightweight and easily absorbed, so use it as a skin nourishing moisturizer all over your body. It even helps serve as a natural sunblock.

Coconut oil can be used to remove make-up, but be careful if it has added essential oils to not let it get into the eyes. 

Being coconut oil contains medium chain fatty acids, such as lauric acid, coconut oil antibacterial, antifungal and antiviral properties, here are some further uses for coconut oil:

1. Treat seborrheic dermatitis, a fungal condition of the scalp causing itch and flakes. 

"A common misconception about dandruff is that dry skin is the root cause of this condition. Dry skin rarely produces flakes that are visible to the naked eye. Dandruff can be the result of an excessively oily scalp or a yeast infection of the scalp. An oily scalp can be freed from dandruff with regular shampooing by massaging the shampoo into the scalp for five minutes and thoroughly rinsing the shampoo out. The scalp massage loosens the dead skin cells while the shampoo removes excess oil. Both the shampoo and dead skin are washed away when the hair is rinsed. However, for dandruff caused by yeast or seborrheic dermatitis, anti-dandruff shampoos are needed to fight the fungal infection and dissolve the dead skin. Before treating any scalp condition, consult a doctor to rule out any underlying health causes for your dandruff." Source; ShawnTe Pierce, eHow Contributor 

2. Microbial infections affecting the hair follicles.

3. Protect the scalp from lice infestations. Before bed, first soak your hair in vinegar and leave in to dry. Then coat your hair with coconut oil. Sleep with a shower cap to protect your bedding. The following day the nits reportedly comb out easily.

4. High in vitamins E and K, coconut oil nourishes the scalp. Regular scalp massages makes it easier for the hair follicles to absorb these nutrients.

5. Prevent and eliminate the scaly fungus of cradle cap. Simply rub a small amount all over baby's head and brush with a soft baby brush for five minutes.

6. Rashes, Eczema or Psoriasis can be relieve by rubbing coconut oil into the affected areas daily.

7. Back acne can be treated by applying at bedtime. Wash and dry affected area. Apply coconut oil and allow about 15 minutes for it to absorb before laying down.

Acne may seem to be aggravated by using coconut oil, but this may be the result of the skin detoxing during the first week or two of use.

8. Athlete's foot can be remedied by applying coconut oil to the affected area twice a day.

Here is a wonderful herbal balm containing the healing properties of not only coconut oil but an herb known as the "mother of herbs", Plantain. A multi-purpose salve/balm useful for everything from baby bottoms to the tender skin issues of the elderly.
PLANTAIN ALL-PURPOSE HEALING BALM

Topical uses for coconut oil are plentiful, but taken as part of your diet, this healthy oil can do wonders for your health.

This information below came from The Herbal Healer

This is quoted from the Coconut Research Center homepage 
http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/index.htm 
Published studies in medical journals show that coconut, in one form or another, may provide a wide range of health benefits. Some of these are summarized below:

• Kills viruses that cause influenza, herpes, measles, hepatitis C, SARS, AIDS, and other illnesses. 
• Kills bacteria that cause ulcers, throat infections, urinary tract infections, gum disease and cavities, pneumonia, and gonorrhea, and other diseases. 
• Kills fungi and yeasts that cause candidiasis, ringworm, athlete's foot, thrush, diaper rash, and other infections. 
• Expels or kills tapeworms, lice, giardia, and other parasites. 
• Provides a nutritional source of quick energy. 
• Boosts energy and endurance, enhancing physical and athletic performance. 
• Improves digestion and absorption of other nutrients including vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. 
• Improves insulin secretion and utilization of blood glucose. 
• Relieves stress on pancreas and enzyme systems of the body. 
• Reduces symptoms associated with pancreatitis. 
• Helps relieve symptoms and reduce health risks associated with diabetes. 
• Reduces problems associated with malabsorption syndrome and cystic fibrosis. 
• Improves calcium and magnesium absorption and supports the development of strong bones and teeth. 
• Helps protect against osteoporosis. 
• Helps relieve symptoms associated with gallbladder disease. 
• Relieves symptoms associated with Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, and stomach ulcers. 
• Improves digestion and bowel function. 
• Relieves pain and irritation caused by hemorrhoids. 
• Reduces inflammation. 
• Supports tissue healing and repair. 
• Supports and aids immune system function. 
• Helps protect the body from breast, colon, and other cancers. 
• Is heart healthy; improves cholesterol ratio reducing risk of heart disease. 
• Protects arteries from injury that causes atherosclerosis and thus protects against heart disease. 
• Helps prevent periodontal disease and tooth decay. 
• Functions as a protective antioxidant. 
• Helps to protect the body from harmful free radicals that promote premature aging and degenerative disease. 
• Does not deplete the body's antioxidant reserves like other oils do. 
• Improves utilization of essential fatty acids and protects them from oxidation. 
• Helps relieve symptoms associated with chronic fatigue syndrome. 
• Relieves symptoms associated with benign prostatic hyperplasia (prostate enlargement). 
• Reduces epileptic seizures. 
• Helps protect against kidney disease and bladder infections. 
• Dissolves kidney stones. 
• Helps prevent liver disease. 
• Is lower in calories than all other fats. 
• Supports thyroid function. 
• Promotes loss of excess weight by increasing metabolic rate. 
• Is utilized by the body to produce energy in preference to being stored as body fat like other dietary fats. 
• Helps prevent obesity and overweight problems. 
• Applied topically helps to form a chemical barrier on the skin to ward of infection. 
• Reduces symptoms associated the psoriasis, eczema, and dermatitis. 
• Supports the natural chemical balance of the skin. 
• Softens skin and helps relieve dryness and flaking. 
• Prevents wrinkles, sagging skin, and age spots. 
• Promotes healthy looking hair and complexion. 
• Provides protection from damaging effects of ultraviolet radiation from the sun. 
• Helps control dandruff. 
• Does not form harmful by-products when heated to normal cooking temperature like other vegetable oils do. 
• Has no harmful or discomforting side effects. 
• Is completely non-toxic to humans.

Suggested Usage: Take one tablespoon 1-2 times a day with meals. Can also be used in salad dressings, sauces, or any type of cooking where a source of essential fatty acids is needed. Taste is very mild and oil melts very quickly in mouth. Product solidifies at 78 degrees.

A fantastic book on coconut oil is "The Coconut Oil Miracle" by Dr. Fife

The Slow Fade of Dementia, Ambiguous and Anticipatory Loss, Grief

Caregivers bear the tremendous burden of witnessing the early signs of change in the behavior of their loved one and dealing with the anger and denial of trying to get through to the rest of the family. One very important thing family members don't understand is that unless you actually live with someone day in and day out you just don't see the same person as does the caregiver. The social stimulation of visits and the fussing from loved ones brought out conversation and smiles, only to return home and sink right back down under that black cloud.

Taking care of my mother for over two years has left me a puddle of tearful grief for the slow fading of my precious Mom and the bewildering, questioning of my own sanity. Changes in behavior brought the constant questions of what is normal for her personality, what is part of her condition, what could be a side effect from medications? Dealing with memory loss and confusion is bad enough for a person, but to add a chronic condition such as COPD on top of that and the resulting depression was enough to pull her down into a pit of despair. My desperation for her to fight only resulted in the wall between us to build brick by brick.




Together, we went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Accepting this "new normal" as her life, having no choice but to leave her home and give up control and independence, was incomprehensible.  My reaction was to push, nag, beg, cry, whatever it took to get her to fight to maintain her strength, physically and mentally.  It was all- consuming, while my Mom continued to slowly lose a bit more of her spirit with each new day she woke to realize she had to get through another day. Fast forward three years and now that another sibling is caring for our mother, she is a medicated, zombie of her former self. The solution to the constant anxiety of struggling to breathe is that if the anxiety is relieved we can avoid the tendency to hyperventilate and thus panic. Welcome to the world of narcotics.

The stage of acceptance has arrived and she just doesn't care anymore. The version of Mom that is in the present is what the siblings actually interpret as her being "better". There is quiet and peace in the household only because there is no longer anyone "making waves" by pushing for alternatives and therapies. Palliative care is all there is now.

Gone is the frustration between what she "won't" versus "can't" do for herself. Now it is just the tender care as though she were our child. Now we deal with the guilt associated with our past reactions and emotions while dealing at that time with the craziness. But at that time we didn't understand what was going on. To reflect back now, bits and pieces make more sense. But that war of guilt continues to rage within our own minds, struggling for self-forgiveness for whatever we imagine we did so wrong.

Ambiguous loss and Anticipatory grief can be described as unresolved grief. It is different from the loss and grief surrounding a death. Closure is not possible and there is no peace because the loved one is still physically alive. This is the world surrounding and consuming a family dealing with dementia. This is the world of the patient herself as she must accept the slow loss of her own self and be very aware of it while it is happening.

There is confusion of the use of the words dementia and Alzheimer's disease. They are used interchangeably, but are not the same thing. Alzheimer's is a disease, dementia is not. Dementia is group of symptoms that affect mental tasks like memory and reasoning. Dementia can be caused by a variety of conditions, with Alzheimer's being the most common.

One of those conditions is called Vascular Dementia which is problems with the blood vessels. The brain needs a good supply of oxygen rich blood and if this supply is hindered and the brain is deprived of enough oxygen, as is with COPD, the brain cells could die. Symptoms may appear suddenly or gradually. A major stroke will cause symptoms to appear suddenly, while a series of mini strokes that may have happened over time, will cause a slower progression of symptoms.

There are several ways that COPD may affect thinking and memory. As less air is taken into the lungs, over time the blood oxygen levels in the blood become too low. Low levels of oxygen to the brain may cause neural damage with could increase the risk for memory problems. One big problem with a condition like COPD is that there is inflammation not just with the lungs, but inflammation of the entire body. Elevated levels of certain body chemicals related to inflammation can be linked to memory problems. Another issue is that because the body is working so hard to breathe and get enough oxygen there is the need to sleep more. If a person has trouble sleeping, the resulting fatigue can further interfere with thinking straight.

Since behavior changes can be so subtle, they may only be noticed by the patient himself/herself or by those who live with him or her. So the battle can begin with getting the message across to other family members that something is wrong and getting them to respect the patient or the caregiver's suspicions. It is interesting how differently people react to a physical condition versus something being wrong with the mind. At a time when family should be sticking together and supporting one another, it can become a nightmare when denial, fear, and/or the need for control over decisions, interferes with the big picture of what is best for the loved one.



Aside from going on and on with that, what it all boils down to is the fact that we miss our Mom. I miss the phone calls to rehash whatever event just happened in the family. I miss rambling on and on about the busy lives of our children. Gone is the interest she used to have in our world. Our children are going through the most exciting times in their lives with graduations, weddings, new careers, new homes...and though their beloved Nana is physically here, there is no longer the two way street of sharing in all those precious moments. The conversation is sadly one sided and often forgotten by the next day.
The strain to maintain a close relationship is becoming more difficult and though they call and visit, their lives are going on and their Nana is being left behind.

Witnessing the slow fade of someone we love is heart wrenching and everyone reacts differently in terms of their personal loss. Some hover and some run. We all deal with grief and loss in our own way and we need to respect one another without judgement. The emotional strain and pain of losing someone bit by bit is such a crazy state of limbo to have to go through. Though the mind may come to terms with the realities of the disease and expected outcome, it is unrealistic to expect the heart to be on the same time schedule. We have no choice but to anticipate that final loss, but to have to play the waiting game can be a horrendous, surreal roller coaster ride.


The best medicine in this world is love. When there is little else anyone can do, it is time to up the dose!

Plantain, The Mother of Herbs

Romeo: Your plantain-leaf is excellent for that.
Benvolio: For what, I pray thee/
Romeo: For your broken (cut) shin

Plantain has a long history, even mentioned by Chaucer and Shakespeare.


Everyone has an opinion on what makes a plant worth its existence or nothing more than a weed. This is what can separate a gardener from an herbalist. Granted, plantain certainly isn't the most attractive plant and doesn't have scented, showy flowers.  To many it is nothing more than a space hog in the lawn with its basal rosette form, later to shoot forth the long flower head tassels that inevitably just bend from the mower blades and pop right back up again. My mother still refers to it as the tassel weed, never bothering to remember the correct name. But to someone interested in medicinal or culinary plants, the return of the perennial plantain in early spring is met with a warm greeting.

Plantain is one of the most medicinally powerful plants, nuisance or not. They grow in lawns, meadows, waste places and even cement walk nooks and crannies. Part of their thriving success comes from the fibrous root system that can dind the smallest traces of moisture and nutrients in the poorest of soils. They are so common most people just step on them without a second thought.

Ribwort

Common Plantain

Though there are over two hundred species of plantain throughout the world, the two most common types in the U.S. are P. major L. or common plantain (broad-leaved) and Plantago lanceolata L or ribwort (narrow-leaved). The generic name comes from the word planta, which is Latin for "sole." The introduction of plantain to North America goes back to the 1700's with the arrival of the first European settlers. The Indians, first seeing it near European settlements, called it "white man's footprint."

The Plantago species are not related to the banana family plantains or the water plantains (Alisma species) which have similar leaves but are inedible. Plantain is one of the early spring edible greens. Each leaf has a long, fibrous leafstalk, so is best eaten raw when the leaves are young and small. English plantain is seen first in early spring and common plantain comes up a little later. Either one gets tough by mid-spring and by then it is best eaten as part of soup stock.

Internally, plantain provides beta carotene, calcium and a carbohydrate fiber called mucilage.
This fiber helps prevent heart disease in that it reduces both the L.D.L (low-density lipoprotein) cholesterol and triglycerides.
As an aid for healthy digestion, plantain can help with digestive problems related to antibiotics and food allergies. The plant is very soothing and reduces inflammation in the gut lining. The seeds act similar to psyllium husks by absorbing toxins, firming stools and as a gentle laxative to clean out the digestive tract.
This soothing action also makes the plant useful for respiratory problems. Since it is rich in the mineral silica, plantain makes an excellent expectorant. This means it eliminates mucus and soothes inflamed, sore membranes such as with a sore throat, congestion and nagging coughs.



Known as the "mother of herbs", there seems to be very few health conditions that plantain can't be of an aide. According to the American Materia Medica, most blood diseases, many glandular diseases, digestive issues, female disorders, skin problems and even arthritis can be helped with the healing properties of this undervalued plant.

Externally, being an astringent with antimicrobial properties, plantain is excellent for wounds, bug bites, bee stings and rashes. Should you be stung by a bee, bothered by other biting bugs, or gotten into poison ivy, look around and you'll probably find plantain growing somewhere nearby. Make a poultice by picking a few leaves and chewing them into a mash and then placing the wad on the wound. If necessary you can then cover it with a band-aid or strip of cloth to hold it in place. Very impressive is how quickly the pain from the sting is neutralized and diminishes.
A plantain poultice can also be used for drawing out splinters or thorns.

By infusing the leaves, flower stems and seeds in a good carrier oil such as olive oil, it can become a very useful salve for use as a wound healer, skin soother and in general, an excellent balm to keep on hand. The balm below has multiple uses for all age groups. Bug bites, rashes, sore baby bottoms, elderly skin care, wound care, chapped hands and lips, the list goes on for a very versatile healing salve.

Plantain Healing Balm/Salve

Plantain Violet Lip Balm

By infusing the leaves, flower stems and seeds in a good quality apple cider vinegar, it can become a safe, deet-free insect repellent safe for all ages and even your pets.

Plantain and Lavender Vinegar Deet free Bug deterrent

Plantain, Comfrey, Yarrow Herbal Vinegar Deet Free Bug Spray

Vinegar Infusion of bug repelling herbs

Plantain Violet Balm/Salve

Tired of Being Tired?

Is This How You Feel?

It seems no matter who you talk to, when asked "how are you", the answer may be the automatic response of "fine", but it doesn't take long before those words are followed with "I am so busy I'm going nuts".
Most of us don't need a lot of convincing that half the problems within families is that they are just not getting enough rest. It seems to take a major blow-up or melt-down, and then a period of reflection before anyone realizes how things have crept up and escalated.

The thing is, we already know we are overextending ourselves. We know acting like the energizer bunny may eventually catch up with us. We're tired of being told what to change for a healthier lifestyle because we already know. But as with many health issues, people usually don't truly commit to a change until they are faced with a medical crisis which becomes the turning point in their lives.

A certain amount of stress is good, it gets us moving, keeps us alert, and challenges us to achieve success. But to be continuously in overdrive without getting adequate rest for the body to repair itself cannot go on indefinitely without repercussions.

Located in southeastern Pennsylvania is a Center for Natural Healing called The Clymer Center.
Take a look at the videos under the blog section that discuss Adrenal Fatigue and Adrenal Dysfunction. 
Founded by Dr. Poesnecker in 1968, this center was one of a kind in that they specialize in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Adrenal Dysfunction. Back before most doctors had even heard of these conditions, this center was helping people uncover the underlying cause of their symptoms. Rather than going through the whirlwind of various specialists for symptoms that include depression, anxiety, insomnia, skin flairs, exhaustion, menopausal issues, fertility problems, and autoimmune conditions, these professionals get to the bottom of where it all began, rather than treat each symptom as its own condition. They help the patient get the immune and hormonal systems back into balance.

Here is a very informative video on Adrenal Fatigue:




The suggestion in the use of bath oils, massage oils, or bath salts, is too often followed with the response that there just aren't enough hours in the day.
No one is denying that as fact, but once you develop chronic fatigue, depression, hypertension, or anger issues, you'll end up in a physician's office and be told something has go to change. You'll go home with the comfort of a label to your ailments and a handful of scripts to "fix" things, and hopefully that physician will also inform you that unless you make lifestyle changes there is no magic pill.

Taking care of yourself is not at all a selfish thing to do. All caregivers are told again and again that unless you are mentally and physically strong, you are not going to be up to the demands of caring for someone else for very long.
Start small with your goal to squeeze in time for yourself.

Utilize your crock pot more often. Just knowing in advance what you'll be having for dinner is a stress reliever in itself. If you get home and it is ready to be served, you've just gained an hour of your time.
All you need is 15 minutes to give yourself a foot and calve massage. You can do this while making necessary phone calls or relaxing with your favorite TV show.
A warm bath needn't take more than 30 minutes. Get the kids to bed earlier, they probably need more sleep anyway. Take your nightly cup of tea or glass of wine, a book and run that tub. Or else use that time to reflect on your day and put your worries into perspective. Or don't think about anything, meditation is great.

You'll be amazed at how your mind and body will respond. There are ways to calm your nerves and help you sleep without automatically reaching for prescription or over the counter medications. Once you give yourself permission for these small luxuries, you'll start to look forward to your "me" time. With renewed spiritual energy, you just may find the physical energy to claim another time slot for perhaps a bit of stretching.

Many of us have learned the hard way that though we so often put others' needs before our own, burn-out is a very real possibility. The phrase "If Mom isn't happy, no one is happy" may be said with humor but there is no denying that a home filled with positive energy and laughter is a much happier place to be than one where its occupants are too tired to smile anymore.
The work gets done eventually.

Below are just a few options to help. Remember the Calgon slogan, "Calgon, Take Me Away!"? The fact that years later people still remember that TV commercial shows just how effective consumer psychology can be.
We should also remember the Clairol commercial's phrase, "Because You Deserve It!"

Below are a few options as a means to bring a little serenity into your life.
A few choices include a calming air or linen spray, bath salts, massage oils and bath oils.

CALMING, SLEEP AIR AND LINEN SPRAY

LAVENDER BATH SALTS

TROUBLE SLEEPING MASSAGE OIL

NERVOUS TENSION BATH OIL

EASE THE ACHE ANTI-INFLAMMATORY BATH OIL

MEADOW MUFFIN GARDENS

Third Hand Smoke, Another Risk Factor

 Another post about the dangers of smoking, cancer and COPD may seem like just "preaching to the choir". No one wants the obvious pointed out yet again, and may sum it up as the rants from a bitter and angry person. I'd say it's more of a consuming sadness over the outcome from poor choices made by those we love. It's the frustration in dealing with the "it could have been so different" or the "if only" regrets people have later in life.

Being we now know what we know about the damage done by cigarettes, it is infuriating to think the tobacco industry could be fully aware of the potential addiction and  harm caused by smoking.
The cigarettes themselves are made to almost ensure the smoker will enjoy it enough to want another and another to the point of physical and emotional dependence. 

Most of us are aware that smoking is not only limited to the smoker but the chain of potential harm extends to anyone, pet or human, that breathes the same air. But did you know there is such a thing as Third Hand Smoke?


Third Hand Smoke is the residue that drifts and settles on every object in the vicinity...the walls, ceiling, floor, linens, curtains and every piece of furniture in between. It floats and adheres to our clothes, our pet's fur, our hair, etc. I can recall as a child, how periodically, my mother would attempt to remove the grimy, yellowing film which discolored the kitchen walls.

Anyone in real estate must dread trying to sell a home where the occupants were smokers. Trying to remove that odor embedded into everything is a real challenge. Soap and water just won't cut it. Smoke residues are alkaline, therefore, something acidic like vinegar is necessary. The risk with vinegar is that it may affect the color of fabric and carpets. Carpets are such a challenge, it may be best to just remove them from the home.

Children and pets are dependent and vulnerable. The consequences of the choices made by the adults in the home may not be apparent at the time, and no one can prove anything to place blame should a health condition arise, but it seems ludicrous to even take that chance. Children touch everything and inevitably their fingers end up in their mouths. With pets, their mouths are like a child's hands, and again whatever is touched is ingested.

The main particles left behind after smoking are carcinogens, nicotine, cyanide, radioactive polonium-210, lead, arsenic, butane and aromatic hydrocarbons.
Those particles left behind don't just sit there. There is a phenomenon called an off-gassing process which is where gases are exposed to the air from the particles left over on the surroundings after smoking. Toxins are released into the atmosphere long after the smoking is over.

Just a reminder to those parents who excuse their behavior by saying they don't expose their children or pets because they go outside to smoke. They are still exposing their clothes, hair and skin to those settling smoke residues, which by the way, don't just float harmlessly away. People must realize that whatever is on their lips when they kiss their child, or their fingers when they reach for their child, ends up on that child.

Being we live in a social society where it is nearly impossible to avoid human contact and indoor air, the best we can do is just be aware of our surroundings. If you attend a social gathering where smoking is allowed, be sure to shower and wash your clothes when you get home. Protect your children and pets by not being too meek to voice your rules concerning their welfare. If people think you are being a b***h, so be it. Women are too often raised that it is impolite to speak up or make waves. That "good little girl syndrome" has to be put aside when it is necessary to be a mother bear.

We hear it all the time that knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss. Anyone who jokes that the less they know, the happier they'll be, is a fool. Back in the day when smoking was commonplace and people honestly didn't know how harmful it can be, it was understandable how they could have continued such a habit. But today, with information being so accessible, and the advances in scientific research, there is no excuse for the "I didn't know". The grown children of those who are now paying the price with their health, can see first hand what can happen. The children have no choice but to witness the heartbreak of watching their loved ones suffer through chronic illness and potential early death. They may be put in the position to become caregivers at a time in life when they are trying to raise their own families, and rather than enjoying grandchildren, parents are struggling just to breathe.

Resist the temptation to use cigarattes as a way to relieve tension, calm the nerves, curb the appetite, peer pressure, relieve depression, or whatever other reasoning there is.
Better to choose a friend who will stick by you when the chips are down, not actually stick it to you.

Notes From The Heart of a Caregiver

“Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain.” – Helen Keller

1. Caregivers don't plan on this bend in the road of their lives. No one can possibly know what they are going to do in a given situation until it is upon them. There is no job training to prepare one for the demands of a job that often only seems to be going downhill. With medical conditions and the effects of the drugs to manage those conditions, it may seem that there is always something popping up, adding another specialist to the list of diagnosis codes.
This is a journey that takes both the loved one and the caregiver down one of the most vulnerable, emotional, guilt ridden, physically exhausting roads imaginable.

2. Opening up your home to an aging parent may seem the most practical, cost efficient, loving thing to do. But do not do this in haste or through emotion. Go into it with your eyes wide open and realize that once you make the decision, you are all in for the long haul.
Don't naively assume that other family members will be so grateful that the burden was taken off their minds that they will be making a trodden down path to your door offering empathy and help. Don't assume that their knowing their loved one is well taken care of amidst family and not forced to be placed in an Assisted Living facility that it will bring the family closer together. Don't assume the amount of money save will be appreciated in leaps and bounds.
Notice I mentioned the word "assumed" several times.

3. You cannot force anyone to become a caregiver or step up to the plate for a commitment. We all have busy lives, and carving out time for additional responsibilities, may not be welcomed with any kind of enthusiasm. Do not assume that just because the time has come, the children will offer their services. Yes, he or she is their parent too, but you cannot assume they will think the way you do, or for that matter, to even feel obligated. Be very prepared for the fact that you, the caregiver, just may be labeled the martyr, who has no right interrupting their lives or making demands based on principal. Their attitude may be on a subconscious level, it may be their way of handling the reality that they are slowly losing their parent. The outcome is that however things become construed, the caregiver may feel shunned and wonder where it all went so wrong.

4. With or without a family support system, the time may come where outside services are necessary. Physical limitations, chronic or terminal health considerations, and safety issues all take their toll on everyone involved and oftentimes it is best to get an opinion from a third party who can observe the family dynamics from the outside looking in.
When I took matters into my own hands and inquired into a support group and requested the help of a Case Manager, we all received wonderful advice about available services. But it also backfired. I opened up our family's business to an "outsider", to which in their minds I had no right to do. So, yes I got the information I needed and the siblings were educated a bit as to the reality of the situation, but in the end we became more estranged than before.

5. Don't bang your head against the wall trying to make someone happy. How people view things in life became ingrained throughout their lifetimes. Some people have trouble gracefully accepting from others without that feeling of something being owed in return. It is very hard to change such an attitude, since it is usually tied in with a fierce sense of pride and independence. Some people see the "cup as half full", others only see the "cup as half empty" and focus on the negative. If someone is unhappy with themselves, that attitude shows, and it has nothing to do with the other person. It has nothing to do with not being grateful. It's just a black cloud that won't rain itself out, it continues to hang low and heavy, blocking out any sunshine trying to poke through. If you as the caregiver are trying to maintain a home full of positive energy and warmth, be that ray of sunshine and just shine on. Continue to do what you've been doing as far as keeping the person safe, clean, fed and medically cared for. If they choose to wallow in their misery, it is their choice, don't get pulled down too.

6. Separate yourself, step outside the situation, or it will destroy you. Love them and supply their needs but consider it a job, and do it well. You cannot try to drag a mule to water for very long without finding yourself on the losing end of the rope.We all know that unless we take care of ourselves, we are of no use in caring for another. If you don't have family support for respite care so you can get away from the situation, even if it's just a few hours at a time, then seek outside services. There are agencies who have people who will come to your home, and just keep your loved one company at minimal cost to you. Check with your County's Area Agency On Aging for information as to what's available in your area for help in the care of your parent. They can also let you know where support groups are held. It is imperative that you have someone to talk to, vent to, to know there are others in your situation.
Be sure to try to get enough sleep, eat properly and exercise. Neglect of these basic needs will catch up to you and you may find yourself falling into your own state of depression or you may develop a chronic illness due to the prolonged stress.

7. You, the child, has now become the parent.
I don't know how many times I have asked myself the following questions:,
 "What am I dealing with?"
 "What is real and what is learned helplessness?"

When this journey began, satisfying my mother's every need was very rewarding. After a lifetime of hard work, worries and stress, she was simply worn out. Taking care of her was a pleasure if it made her life easier and a time of deserved rest. Our mother admitted she enjoyed being taken care of. But as any parent knows, that stage of being totally depended upon eventually ends. And by then the parent is more than ready for this next stage because it it physically and emotionally exhausting.

When a parent moves into their adult child's home, he or she may always feel a guest. You can do everything in your power to make them feel welcome, help them feel productive, and giving them their own space to make it their own. How the parent adapts to his or her new living situation has a lot to do with personality and medical condition.  Two years later we still do not know if our mother's refusal to learn anything new, such as the kitchen appliances, is simply her lack of accepting change or a realistic health concern with developing Dementia. Regardless, the lack of self-sufficiency is a daily drain on whomever is depended upon for meals, laundry, hygiene, medications, errands, doctor appointments, etc.

Over time, this daily frustration resulted in many an episode of an outburst, followed with bouts of guilt and apologies. Just like a parent nagging a child about what is good for them, the caregiver may be at wit's end trying to get through to the parent about what he or she should be doing to improve their mental and physical health. Too much television, too much laying in bed, unwillingness to exercise, refusal to go outdoors in the fresh air, refusal to leave their room and join the rest of the family, refusal to get involved in activities that would be wonderful mental stimulation with people, the list goes on and on. This nagging ends up being just like the type of parenting called "policing" where the child simply tunes out the tone of voice of the parent.

While very aware and empathetic towards the life she must now accept, it is maddening to witness  a person letting life pass her by, holed up in her room with little interest in much of anything. Anti-depressants may or may not work. For some people anti-depressants can make all the difference, but in other cases the side effects outweigh the potential benefits.
Do your research into these medications and consider natural supplements and alternative therapy.

8. Our children were a full time responsibility at one time, needing round the clock care and supervision. The difference between the demands of children and the demands of a elderly parent, is that with children, their learning experiences move them forward towards autonomy and independence. Older parents with failing health are moving backwards. Those who see them every day have no choice but to witness the heartbreaking loss of their losing a little more of themselves, bit by bit, and being fully aware of it. For those dealing with confusion and forms of Dementia, they say the hardest part is the early stages when the patient knows what is happening to them and feeling powerless to stop it. The denial, anger, and depression that follows can be overwhelming. To know one is losing their physical health on top of losing one's mental faculties is gut wrenching. It is very, very difficult for the caregiver to realize that no matter what efforts they make to try to bring a smile back on their loved one's face is often futile and it is time to just leave them alone. Accepting what is, is a monumental hurdle to being able to go on.

9. It is hard enough when a person is forced to deal with the loss of their physical abilities, but when their mental faculties become threatened as well, it can become a sinking hole.
It may feel like that person you knew may be gone. You have to remember that even if your parent cannot communicate or behave the way you are familiar, that person is still in there, and needs all the support possible.
With the stages of Dementia, it is often a grieving process that the family has to go through twice. We have to understand that this person who is our parent is still our mother or father. The person may not be who we remember, but we have to stop trying to force him or her to be that person again. It is different now, a new normal, and we must accept their loss even while they are still living. Then when the day comes when their physical body passes on, we must grieve their loss all over again.

10. Accept what is with each day. As you notice something new in behavior or level of ability, deal with another chip falling away and accept it. As with many things in life, it is what it is, and we have no choice but to accept what we cannot change.

11. The decision to place a loved one in an Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing facility is often the most guilt ridden, tortured decision a person has to make. But if the care of a parent becomes overwhelming, it may be what is best for everyone in the end.
Do your homework before you need a facility. Do not wait until your loved one is in the hospital and then you are scrambling to "find a bed" somewhere. You don't want to just find a place anywhere that has an opening. Yes, availability will fluctuate, but at least you'll already have an idea of what facilities are of the quality care you want and you are aware of the costs involved. Understand the difference between Assisted Living and Skilled Nursing Care. Find out what benefits your parent's insurance has in regards to long term care. Find out what the co-pays will be, and for how long, find out what will be the out-of-pocket expenses. Know ahead of time exactly what the financial status is so you'll know if your parent qualifies for medicaid, program benefits, or if it will be mostly private pay. Make sure someone is designated to be the Financial Power of Attorney and someone is designated to be the Medical Power of Attorney. Privacy laws are very strict and even though you may be immediate family, you'll be in for many a headache unless the paperwork is there, especially if the parent can no longer make important decisions regarding his or her welfare.

12. You may not be able to change a situation, but you can change your attitude towards that situation. When I was first told this little tidbit of advice I was furious. I felt my husband hadn't a clue what we were going through and was pointing a finger at me for being part of the problem. But the more I thought about it, I realized that my relationship with my mother was so intertwined and complicated that my frustrations resulted not in her change of attitude, but in pulling her down even further out of guilt and feeling a burden.



Try to maintain your sense of humor. Sometimes things can get so ridiculous that instead of losing your temper from exasperation, take a moment to breathe and you may end up just laughing.