The Slow Fade of Dementia, Ambiguous and Anticipatory Loss, Grief

Caregivers bear the tremendous burden of witnessing the early signs of change in the behavior of their loved one and dealing with the anger and denial of trying to get through to the rest of the family. One very important thing family members don't understand is that unless you actually live with someone day in and day out you just don't see the same person as does the caregiver. The social stimulation of visits and the fussing from loved ones brought out conversation and smiles, only to return home and sink right back down under that black cloud.

Taking care of my mother for over two years has left me a puddle of tearful grief for the slow fading of my precious Mom and the bewildering, questioning of my own sanity. Changes in behavior brought the constant questions of what is normal for her personality, what is part of her condition, what could be a side effect from medications? Dealing with memory loss and confusion is bad enough for a person, but to add a chronic condition such as COPD on top of that and the resulting depression was enough to pull her down into a pit of despair. My desperation for her to fight only resulted in the wall between us to build brick by brick.




Together, we went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Accepting this "new normal" as her life, having no choice but to leave her home and give up control and independence, was incomprehensible.  My reaction was to push, nag, beg, cry, whatever it took to get her to fight to maintain her strength, physically and mentally.  It was all- consuming, while my Mom continued to slowly lose a bit more of her spirit with each new day she woke to realize she had to get through another day. Fast forward three years and now that another sibling is caring for our mother, she is a medicated, zombie of her former self. The solution to the constant anxiety of struggling to breathe is that if the anxiety is relieved we can avoid the tendency to hyperventilate and thus panic. Welcome to the world of narcotics.

The stage of acceptance has arrived and she just doesn't care anymore. The version of Mom that is in the present is what the siblings actually interpret as her being "better". There is quiet and peace in the household only because there is no longer anyone "making waves" by pushing for alternatives and therapies. Palliative care is all there is now.

Gone is the frustration between what she "won't" versus "can't" do for herself. Now it is just the tender care as though she were our child. Now we deal with the guilt associated with our past reactions and emotions while dealing at that time with the craziness. But at that time we didn't understand what was going on. To reflect back now, bits and pieces make more sense. But that war of guilt continues to rage within our own minds, struggling for self-forgiveness for whatever we imagine we did so wrong.

Ambiguous loss and Anticipatory grief can be described as unresolved grief. It is different from the loss and grief surrounding a death. Closure is not possible and there is no peace because the loved one is still physically alive. This is the world surrounding and consuming a family dealing with dementia. This is the world of the patient herself as she must accept the slow loss of her own self and be very aware of it while it is happening.

There is confusion of the use of the words dementia and Alzheimer's disease. They are used interchangeably, but are not the same thing. Alzheimer's is a disease, dementia is not. Dementia is group of symptoms that affect mental tasks like memory and reasoning. Dementia can be caused by a variety of conditions, with Alzheimer's being the most common.

One of those conditions is called Vascular Dementia which is problems with the blood vessels. The brain needs a good supply of oxygen rich blood and if this supply is hindered and the brain is deprived of enough oxygen, as is with COPD, the brain cells could die. Symptoms may appear suddenly or gradually. A major stroke will cause symptoms to appear suddenly, while a series of mini strokes that may have happened over time, will cause a slower progression of symptoms.

There are several ways that COPD may affect thinking and memory. As less air is taken into the lungs, over time the blood oxygen levels in the blood become too low. Low levels of oxygen to the brain may cause neural damage with could increase the risk for memory problems. One big problem with a condition like COPD is that there is inflammation not just with the lungs, but inflammation of the entire body. Elevated levels of certain body chemicals related to inflammation can be linked to memory problems. Another issue is that because the body is working so hard to breathe and get enough oxygen there is the need to sleep more. If a person has trouble sleeping, the resulting fatigue can further interfere with thinking straight.

Since behavior changes can be so subtle, they may only be noticed by the patient himself/herself or by those who live with him or her. So the battle can begin with getting the message across to other family members that something is wrong and getting them to respect the patient or the caregiver's suspicions. It is interesting how differently people react to a physical condition versus something being wrong with the mind. At a time when family should be sticking together and supporting one another, it can become a nightmare when denial, fear, and/or the need for control over decisions, interferes with the big picture of what is best for the loved one.



Aside from going on and on with that, what it all boils down to is the fact that we miss our Mom. I miss the phone calls to rehash whatever event just happened in the family. I miss rambling on and on about the busy lives of our children. Gone is the interest she used to have in our world. Our children are going through the most exciting times in their lives with graduations, weddings, new careers, new homes...and though their beloved Nana is physically here, there is no longer the two way street of sharing in all those precious moments. The conversation is sadly one sided and often forgotten by the next day.
The strain to maintain a close relationship is becoming more difficult and though they call and visit, their lives are going on and their Nana is being left behind.

Witnessing the slow fade of someone we love is heart wrenching and everyone reacts differently in terms of their personal loss. Some hover and some run. We all deal with grief and loss in our own way and we need to respect one another without judgement. The emotional strain and pain of losing someone bit by bit is such a crazy state of limbo to have to go through. Though the mind may come to terms with the realities of the disease and expected outcome, it is unrealistic to expect the heart to be on the same time schedule. We have no choice but to anticipate that final loss, but to have to play the waiting game can be a horrendous, surreal roller coaster ride.


The best medicine in this world is love. When there is little else anyone can do, it is time to up the dose!

MEADOW MUFFIN MOMENTS, WEEK THIRTEEN, March 26 - April 1

Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much

March 26

"Courage - fear that has said its prayers."
Dorothy Bernard

I've heard the saying that fear is lack of faith. If that is true than I suppose it is correct that courage comes from being in touch with our spirituality. We take chances, stumble from mistakes and put ourselves in a position to speak up rather than silently grumble and simmer. How do we do any of those while feeling like a quivering bowl of jello? We face our fears by knowing our connection to the power that is in us and beyond us. We learn courage.

March 27

"Only the dusty flowers, the clank of censers and tracks, leading from somewhere to nowhere."
Anna Akhmatova

A line from a song goes, "Don't go straight, Go forward." There is no assurance that getting your life back on track will go easy or in a straight line. Even when we do all the right things and follow all the rules, there will be times when we feel discouraged and have the "what's it all for anyway" attitude. Even if our windy path doesn't seem to be going anywhere, realize that as long as you stay on the road you'll be going somewhere.

March 28

"If God is a fly on the wall, Nanny, hand me a fly swatter."
Gaby Brimmer

Most of us feel God has abandoned us at one time or another and feel angry. But once the crisis is past and we look back, we realize that the problem wasn't that God was absent and believing was a farce anyway. The problem was that though we appear to be turning it all over to God, we still hope or even expect things to go our way. Our way is not always what is in the overall plan.

March 29

"It is the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion."
Rebecca West

There is a difference between true passion for your work and being a workaholic. Passion feeds you but compulsive working can devour you. Our competitive world confuses the two. True passion and doing what is important for us to do does not require us to destroy ourselves in the process.

March 30

"A clay pot sitting in the sun will always be a clay pot. It has to go through the white heat of the furnace to become porcelain."
Mildred Witte Stouven

Not all of us have what it takes or even want to go through what it takes to become porcelain.  There is nothing wrong with being a clay pot, but we all have furnaces in our lives and the possibilities of becoming porcelain. It is our faith that facilitates our surrender to the firing. Very sad is to go through the furnace yet learn nothing of what it takes to become porcelain. We all have furnaces in our lives but not all of us glean the lessons from the firing.

March 31

"Flowers grow out of dark moments."
Corita Kent

Pain is inevitable in life, but we can learn that a lot of our suffering stems from an unwillingness to let go of old beliefs, hold onto past issues, or the illusion of control. Some of us get the picture with a little of life's nudging, others need "a whack along the side of the head". Disease is dis-ease and with that comes suffering. That pain can teach us about the choices we have made. Such dark moments of despair often result in the blooming of flowers when we "get it".

April 1

"April comes like an idiot, babbling, and strewing flowers."
Edna St. Vincent Millay

One of the gifts of life is the changing of the weather and the seasons. When we fight and gripe about the weather, we waste a lot of energy. There is nothing like nature to relinquish some of our illusions of control. The seasons can teach us to take the good with the bad and even tough days are a gift if we learn to participate in what they have to offer. Spring brings erratic giddiness and energy, Summer brings time for laziness, Autumn creates a sense of preparation and gathering, and Winter makes us yearn for cozy togetherness. Take from each season the gifts it offers and enjoy being in the moment at hand. There is meaning to the quip, "Your presence in the present is a present in itself".


To read the previous posts:

To read the previous weeks' posts:
Week 1 January 1 - January 7
Week 2 January 8 - January 14
Week 3 January 15 - January 21
Week 4 January 22 - January 28

Week 5 January 29 - February 4
Week 6 February 5 - February 11
Week 7 February 12 - February 18
Week 8 February 19 - February 25

Week 9 February 26 - March 4
Week 10 March 5 - March 11
Week 11 March 12 - March 18 
Week 12 March 19 - March 25
   

MEADOW MUFFIN MOMENT 1/7/15

Being every New Year usually starts with our good intentions for change in hopes for a better year ahead, our best bet for that to happen is to start with ourselves.


My thoughtful daughter-in-law gave me a little gem of a book,
Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much by Anne Wilson Schaef

Not wanting it to sit on the shelf with so many others I collect with every good intention of reading, I aim to gather these daily meditations and weekly get a post written about these daily thoughts.

January 1
Anne begins the year by reminding us to avoid the temptation to think we have to "get caught up" and "close out" the old year. In doing so, we're already setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations in how much we can cram into a day. We have to stop trying to always "get it right" and learn that it's ok to give ourselves a break and just live, one day at a time.

January 2
"We are powerless over our workaholism and our busyness, and our lives have become unmanageable."
This isn't saying we are weak or powerless as a person. It is saying perhaps we need to be willing to realize we can be powerless over our busyness and something has got to give.

January 3
"So at an early age I witnessed the fact that work was of the first importance, and that it justified rather inhuman behavior."  Mary Sarton

Many of us have such trouble having power over our busyness because that work attitude has been ingrained into us since childhood. We value ourselves by how much we can get done, as if we need to convince ourselves and others that we are worth our very existence. Work before play has been the model many of us followed by witnessing how our families lived their lives. The problem is that the work never gets done, we get tired, we get older, and we get bitter.

January 4
"Time heals all heels."  Jane Ace

People who work too much tend to lose the ability to laugh at themselves and with others. They tend to feel so pressured with all that is going on that they take things personally and view a little poking as a put down. Good humor is very healing for both ourselves and for others. We need to be healers rather than heels. We all have it, it doesn't die, it just gets buried.

January 5
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"  Chicken Little

Crisis, deadlines and pressure can become so "normal" that we can actually become a little bored when life settles down. To live any other way than with the "this too shall pass" attitude is too exhausting for our mental and physical health. Adrenaline isn't meant to be coursing through our bodies all the time. It is ok to multitask, it is not ok to feel drained all the time.

January 6
"We live in a system built on illusions and when we put forth our own perceptions, we're told we don't understand reality. When reality is illusion and illusion is reality, it's no wonder we feel crazy.
 Anne Wilson Schaef

We live in a society where there is an illusion of control, an illusion of perfectionism, and an illusion of objectivity. When we participate in any of these illusions, we are deceiving ourselves, and when we deceive ourselves, we lose ourselves. Denial is very strong in our society and the "truth speakers" out there are usually not very supported. Perhaps that is why those who shy away from the norm so often feel out of sync and just don't feel they fit in.

January 7
"Changes (in life) are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation."  Gail Sheehy

Change can be a bit scary. Many people put forth a lot of energy trying to keep things from changing. The attitude that "it has always been this way therefore there is no need for things to be any different" is not going to help us grow as human beings. Having order and control in one's life is fine, but to become so rigid about anything different is to become stagnant. Lillian Smith says, "When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, then it is time to die." Life is like a stream. To resist going with the flow either saps a lot of your energy or has you standing on the bank watching it pass you by.

Living with Chronic Illness

Feeling invincible and having the world by the tail is a wonderful thing. That sense of vitality and control over one's life can be stripped away in an instant with one sentence from your physician, "You have a condition called ......... There is no known cure, but you can live a normal lifespan with proper management."

Chronic illness can make or break a person. It can change the entire dynamics of a family. No one knows how strong they are until they have to be. It is a fact that a sour attitude and disposition can not only be a drain on one's own immune system, but that of an entire household if that home is filled with the black cloud of negative energy.

There is no denying that illness is a pain in the touche. But by damned if you need to let it become you. Don't let yourself sink into the mentality that "life sucks".
Having a condition does suck, but life doesn't have to.
The wisdom behind these quotes are true for everyone, not just those with physical or mental challenges or illness.

1. It's the little things, the little everyday achievements. It can be a good day, Get up, get with it, do what has to be done and go with the flow. Do not obsess on the negative. The cup really is half full.

2. You may not be able to change a person or a situation, but you can change your attitude towards that person or situation. There are always people who will never understand. There is no way they can unless they walk in your shoes. Especially if you have to hear "but you don't look sick". Embrace the wisdom behind the Serenity Prayer.



 3. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule exists in most all cultures. Treating others with respect and kindness is just the moral, ethical thing to do. If you get disgusted with people just remember, how people treat others is a reflection on how they feel about themselves, it is nothing personal towards he or she at the brunt of that negativity.


4. Don't lose your smile. Have a sense of humor. Not everyone is the laugh out loud bubbly type but having a wry sense of humor that only comes from someone with a chronic illness is not the same as having a sour attitude.


5. Don't become a bitter person. You may have a condition, but don't let the condition define you. It may limit you, it may shape your attitude being such a pain in the ass, but it is not who you are.


6. Don't focus on the past. To obsess over activities once enjoyable but of which you are no longer capable is a sure ticket for depression.


7. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Live in the moment, since in reality what else is there. Prepare for the future in terms of having your finances in order, have a living will, a financial and medical power of attorney, and a will so your love ones know your final wishes. Then file away all that paperwork and start living.


8. Use it or lose it. It is a proven fact that those who exercise their mind and body live longer. It isn't just maintaining flexibility and strength in your limbs. You need good cardiovascular circulation and oxygen exchange to keep your organs functioning at their best. Believe in the whole mind/body connection attitude towards your health. Don't become a list of diagnosis codes as if each is a problem all by itself. Move, meditate, breathe.



9. Don't lose your vitality.  The opposite of depression isn't happiness, but vitality. Ask yourself, "Will someone else's life be brighter tomorrow because of what you have done today?" By William Arthur Ward
Having a sense of purpose is the key to fulfillment and a reason to get up in the morning. That sense of purpose is often at risk after retirement once we no longer can describe ourselves with a job title. That sense of purpose is often at risk once we experience limitations due to failing health.
Once away from the action of the workplace, it is easy to feel forgotten and alone. Don't let this happen to you. Get involved in another direction. Rediscover who you are and interests that got put on the back burner over the years.


10. "Today is life - the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake yourself awake. Develop a hobby. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto." by Dale Carnegie

Boredom should not exist. There is just too much to do in this life.
Think about each of the eight things listed below. As a child, our educations focused too much on literacy and not enough on our whole person. Happiness isn't something down the road that will come to us if we work harder, or when we have more free time, or more money. Develop these areas and you'll understand that the definition of happiness is contentment.

Exercise
Diet and Nutrition
Time in Nature
Contribution and Service
Relationships
Recreation
Relaxation & Stress Management
Religious & Spiritual

A Day in a Life with COPD, Time for those New Year's Resolutions

Anyone who works with people nearing the end of their lives has shared the heartbreaking lamentations of regret in their lives. We hear about unfilled dreams out of resistance in leaving comfort zones, poor choices which carried consequences, crippling fears, going through the motions of life rather than living it, not spending enough time with loved ones, too much work and too little play.

Being the mortal creatures we are, it is expected that our physical bodies will eventually fail us. But it is absolutely tragic when by not taking care of our health while we had it, people sink into the downhill spiral of chronic disorders and disease.

COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, is the fourth major cause of death in the USA.
Far too often, people smoke for years and know full well about all the warning labels. They get irritated with all the nagging from loved ones about what could happen down the road. But at the time, down the road is down the road, not a reality when the desire for a cigarette is what is important in the now. Feeling fine for years, a good bout with bronchitis or pneumonia can become the beginning of a very unwelcome chapter in life.

Let me take you through an ordinary day for someone living with this chronic condition. A condition that has no turning back, only a dismal future as lung function slowly deteriorates.

Another day of feeling disappointment with even waking up. Depression goes hand in hand with COPD patients and most of them are on anti-depressants and/or anxiety medication. Emotional depression is a problem in itself as it lowers the immune system and puts a body at higher risk for further health problems. Lack of interest in anything usually results in lack of physical and mental activity, and far too much time simply staring at the television.  Lack of movement further weakens the body and increases loss of muscle mass. Eventually, simply getting dressed can cause shortness of breath. Lack of mental stimulation results in cellular death in the brain.

COPD patients are repeatedly told that their lungs are a muscle and to not exert themselves will result in an acceleration of loss of function. It is a double edge sword. Exertion results in shortness of breath. Shortness of breath results in anxiety and panic. The fear of not being able to breath is very real and that fear can become paralyzing. So rather than working through all the purse lip breathing and relaxation techniques taught by the therapists, patients too often choose to do as little as possible in their attempts to avoid the inevitable panic. To panic usually results in breathing too fast, too shallow and  hyperventilation is the outcome.  They forget all about the slow, deep inhale (count to 5), long slow exhale (count to 10) pursed lip technique. Caregivers walk on eggshells, always wondering when to call 911. Feeling helpless, we try to walk them through the slow breathing, give an anxiety pill, use the albuterol nubulizer, and hope for the spell to pass. The use of a finger pulse oximeter lets us know what is the blood oxygen rate. As long as it is in the 90's we're supposed to rest assured the patient isn't going to die in front of us, he or she just needs to calm down. If the rate is in the 80's then there is reason to rush to the ER. That is little comfort for the person struggling to take a breath.

Oxygen is life. When the body is deprived of enough oxygen, cells die. Brain function declines right along with the strength of the body. COPD patients are often tortured with confusion and wonder if they are developing Dementia on top of everything else. Insecurity about their
own sanity, decline in problem solving and calculating skills only adds to the problem of depression. The day the task of handling one's own finances and writing out checks is turned over to someone else is a very bleak day indeed. Lack of control over one's life and losing all sense of independence and productivity is debilitating, defeating and very depressing.

A typical day for the COPD patient revolves around their nebulizer treatments, time consuming methods of inhaling medication through a pipe type contraption. On an ordinary day this is done twice a day, and if the patient is having a "bad" day the albuterol may be needed several times.  These treatments don't repair or heal any of the lung damage, they are to make life more comfortable. Familiar types are Perforomist, used to help with bronchospasms, Budesonide, a steroid that reduces inflammation, Albuterol,  a bronchodilator that relaxes muscles in the airways and increases air flow to the lungs. Spiriva is a hand held inhaler, also a bronchodilator that relaxes muscles in the airways and increases air flow to the lungs. Any of these medications have their own potential side effects. Patients need to deal with lack of appetite, increased anxiety, metallic taste in the mouth, dry mouth, coughing, fungal infections related to the use of the steroid, increased heart rate, tightness in the chest, and increased confusion.So difficult it is to get to the bottom of complaints when any of them could be medication related.

One of the worst days in a COPD patient's life is the day they were told treatments are no longer enough and they need to be on supplemental oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The arrival and instructions for the Visionaire Concentrator, which is the stationary tank providing continuous oxygen, is a surreal experience to say the least. Tubing runs from the tank to the nose piece of the patient, tethering them forever like a ball and chain. If the person wants to wander beyond the length of the tubing hose, he/she has to drag the machine along with them.

To leave the house, there are various types of portable oxygen tanks. We have the M6 size tank which is carried like a backpack and depending on the level of oxygen needed, can last from 4 - 8 hours. What that means is that the patient always needs to be prepared when going anywhere by taking along spare tanks.

Financially, the cost of such a chronic condition can wipe out a person's life savings or eat up a good portion of their monthly income. A trip to the pharmacy usually sets off another period of a sour day when once again the patient is reminded how much the smoking habit has cost them. The idea of paying to simply breathe the air we all take for granted is mind-boggling.

People living with such a condition often say they no longer fear death itself, but rather how death will come. Admission to the hospital can become a recurring event, and with each visit they are at risk for pneumonia, infection just from being there, blood clots from lack of movement, and upon discharge, weaker than when they went in.

New Year's resolutions are often said with humor. There is nothing remotely funny about flimsy, good intentions when it comes to cigarettes. Often smokers claim to actually enjoy their cigarettes. Yes, cigarettes can relieve tension, can reduce appetite, can be a comfort when lonely or grieving, can be like a best friend; but a true friend doesn't turn the tide and be your downfall. 

God granted us memory so that we might have roses in December, The hidden gifts of Alzheimer's

 "God granted us memory so that we might have roses in December."
J. M. Barrie

I was privileged to have had the opportunity to attend a Caregiver Conference on Alzheimer's offered by the by Lehigh Valley Aging & Adult Services in Bethlehem, PA. What I gained from the conference was not only a much better understanding of the physiological aspects of the disease but wonderful resources to file away for information and comfort should the need arise.

"The mere mention of the word "Alzhiemer's" evokes feelings of fear, sadness, and pain. And no wonder. Alzheimer's is a long heartbreaking journey into dementia. My husband and I have taken this journey together. But I have learned that, while we do not have control over the disease, we do have a choice to experience joy in spite of illness."
Marilynn Garzione

"Released to the Angels" 
Released to the Angels is a collection of reflections, memories, lost dreams and renewed hope.
The commitment between Marilynn and her husband brings us a love story that will leave you with a renewed strength to face the journey alongside your own loved one.
Be it a parent, spouse, sibling, child, or dear friend, as this cruel disease continues to steal what is held so dear, you will discover the importance of perspective and acceptance. You will realize the fine line between helping and dependency, the fine line between anger and fear, and the fine line between a loss and a gift.

               

 To companion our fellow human beings means to witness and learn as opposed to playing the “scientific expert.”

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a bereavement counselor. His work helps us realize that to walk alongside someone facing a losing battle with a disease that will eventually try to steal their very soul, we are not only caregivers, but companions. We are in this journey together as we experience grief and loss  before the natural grief of death takes place. We must let each other go bit by agonizing bit long before the physical body takes its final breath. We must cherish whatever light peeks around the cracked doors within the mind, light that diminishes as those doors slowly close. We must take the time to slow down the pace to get through one day at a time. Take the opportunity to really look into our loved one's eyes and appreciate the sparkle and shimmer of recognition and connection. 
 

• Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on intellect.

• Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.

• Companioning is about learning from others, it is not about teaching.

• Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading or being led.

• Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.

• Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence it is not about a filling every painful moment with talk.

• Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with talk.

• Companioning is about listening with the heart. It is not about analyzing with the head.

• Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing those struggles.

• Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away or relieving the pain.

• Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.

• Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out. 

Naomi Feil has done extensive research in her work with later stage Alzheimer's patients. She developed what is called Validation Therapy.
In the past, it was thought that it was necessary to "clear up any confusion" by correcting the patient. It is now believed that to deny what a person believes to be true only adds to the confusion, anger and frustration with what is real and not real. It is much more respectful and easier on everyone for the caregiver to "go where they are" and just go with the flow. It doesn't do anyone any good to continually feel the need to correct dates and events, or to renew the pain of accepting the death of someone lost. To validate their reality is a much better way to bring peace to people who cannot escape the anxiety of confusion.

Maternal touch is where we begin our journey in life, and so very comforting for those who return to that period in their lives during the later years. The power of a hug is very important during all stages of life, but especially for those who feel so lost as they first lose their independence, and then the fear of losing their mind as well. We as caregivers often retreat within ourselves as a means of keeping it together,  or in our attempts to detach in order to handle everything. But we have to realize that as our loved one loses the ability to physically reach out to us, it is imperative that we initiate the embrace.
Grab a tissue and watch this amazing five minute clip of how touch and music can reach those we may think are lost to us.

She's still my Mother

She's still my mother, who's standing there,
It's still her face, her eyes. It's her hair.
It's still her body, but it's just the shell,
Of the mother I once knew so well.
She's still my mother, who looks at me,
Then asks the question," who might you be?"
Her memory's fleeting and her gait is weak.
Loved ones long gone are those that she seeks.
She's still my mother, whose angry words,
Like a sharpened sword, my soul can hurt.
She's still my mother, who shares our home.
This one we dress and whose hair we comb.
She's still my mother...I know it's true.
And so dear God, I turn to you.
Please give me patience, wisdom and love,
Till the day you take her to Heaven above.
Let me return, if even through tears,
The love she gave me through all these years.
Though she may think that I'm her brother,
I'll love her yet...she's still my mother.

© 1997, Jerry Ham

the dark night of the mind

Perhaps her path to becoming a saint
is this forgetting,
this stigmata –
not chosen, prayed for,

the fearful abstinence, alzheimer’s,
something holy.

She gives it up to God,
this her sweetest pride, her thinking,
until only one prayer is herself,
the rose in the center,
where before synapses turned
like a Chartres labyrinth.

And when the fierce catechism –
who am I? where and why?
oh why? -- has ceased,
and the last of the words go,

some will say
poor old woman with dementia,
while others will seek her
as the new hermit
of our days
with beautiful broken wisdom.

Maren Tirabassi

Nature's Fury

"Mom, people say when bad weather hits it is "God's fury". Does that mean He is mad at us?"

Oh, from the mouths of babes. A classic moment when the child becomes the teacher in that such questions make us adults think enough to perhaps learn something.

In 2011 we had Hurricane Irene and now we have Hurricane Sandy to contend with as she makes her way up the east coast of the United States. As we prepare for the likelihood of damage and power outages, that question from years back popped into my head. I'm not sure what exactly I had said in response at that time, but with seemingly one natural disaster after another, it does make one ponder life in general.

 The human race has always interpreted such life events with various explanations:
Have we always had such catastrophic weather but now with the media we are notified and caught up in every bit of news about climate changes all over the world?
Are we humans the cause of the chaos by upsetting our ecosystem?
Has God had enough of our messing up His creation and sending us a clear message of the consequences?

Out of curiosity I looked up man's history of thinking about such events.

Prior to 1500 BC world events were governed by the gods of a particular religion or mythology. Everything in nature contains a spirit and the earth is like a Great Mother. Prayer and sacrifices were made in efforts to make life a bit easier.

Classical Greece (400 - 100 BC) brought us Aristotle and Plato who established the foundation for the development of science and the traditions of the western world.

By Medieveal times (400 - 1400 AD) a Christian God reigned over everything. Life was a strict hierarchy where God ruled at the top with children and animals at the very bottom. The "Will of God" was paramount; what the Church dictated was how life was or the person suffered the consequences. Human actions were not explained, only judged as good or evil. God was feared in the literal sense. When bad things happened people felt somehow they deserved to be punished.

During the Renaissance (1500 - 1850 AD), God was still to be behind everything and set things in motion, but science provided an objective view of the universe. By the late 19th century all spiritual forces were removed from the universe and everything was explained objectively through science.
Since nature was thought to have no meaning, it was common thought to exploit it for whatever it was worth to enhance the life of humans. It was thought that technology could solve all of our problems.
As people became more literate and had access to reading material they began to think for themselves about matters of spirituality and behavior.

So as our population has grown to nearly seven billion people, we can now deal with the consequences of our actions and try to clean things up and find alternative sources of energy to fuel our modern wants and needs.

Christians today feel they can have a personal relationship with God and the term 'fearful' not to be interpreted literally, but rather a matter of respect and awe.

To interpret our weather patterns as God's way of punishing us is not the mainstream thought in today's modern thinking. We may jokingly kid about "God's fury" but few of us really believe we humans are a central focus to the point that even the weather revolves around us.

It makes more sense that the weather patterns are along Newton's thinking. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The goal of mother nature is to survive and if at all possible she will amidst consequence and change. How we as a species have to adapt to survive that change, only time will tell.

Life is what it is. Take the advice of Harold Kushner, the Conservative rabbi who wrote the book, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". Stuff happens.
The trick to not getting down is to not expect life to be smooth sailing, things just happen and we have to deal with them.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

One thing we as a society should learn is not to put ourselves in the position to be totally helpless should the system break down. We as a culture are so intertwined that our daily lives seem to come to an absolute halt when the power goes out. We are so dependent on electricity to power our lights, water pumps, phone chargers, internet service, etc. that many feel helpless and cut off when suddenly without these services.

 Throughout history man has known how to survive by making do, doing without and utilizing skills of survival so they can be self-sustaining when need be.  Plan ahead for emergencies. Use a generator for back up power or have a place to go for a few days. Have a secondary heat source such as a wood, coal or pellet stove. In the event you can't get to the grocery store, know how to prepare your own meals from scratch, bake your own bread, stock up on things like bottled water, dry milk, canned goods, dry goods, batteries and candles. If you garden, learn how put up the surplus fruits and vegetables by canning, freezing or drying.

Remember the Boy Scout motto..."Be Prepared"
And also remember my mother's motto..."This too shall pass."

The Home Business AESOP

What is usually the first bit of advice with having an at home office?
Get the cat off the desk!
Easier said than done since my office is part of my living room and doesn't have a door.
Part of me is flattered that they seem to think that the minute someone takes a seat it means lap time for them.  Not pictured here but it is a given that there is a dog somewhere under the desk as well.
But they know I'm a soft touch and being more amused than annoyed, won't boot them very far.

The owner and educator of Essential Wholesale and Essential Labs, Kayla Fioravanti, wrote a keeper of a blog post using words of wisdom from Dr. Seuss and Winnie the Pooh as advice for business success.  Taking a piece here and there from that article I came up with my own little inspirational quip.

AESOP

A is for Attitude
E is for Education
S is for Social Networking
O is for Organization
P is for Perseverance

Attitude
"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  You're on your own.  And you know what you know.  And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."  Dr. Seuss

We know the saying about being the masters of our fate.  All we need is to put fear aside and get out of our own way.  God gave us the tools we need, we just have to recognize and believe it enough to act on it.

Education
"The more that you read, the more things you will know.  The more that you learn the more places you'll go."  Dr. Seuss
Also remember the words of wisdom from this childhood poem:
"There was an old owl who lived in an oak,
The more he saw, the less he spoke,
The less he spoke, the more he heard,
We should all be like that wise old bird"

No matter what our age, we should never stop learning.  Not only will you become more knowledgeable in your field, you'll have plenty of sources for pulling up information when needed.
Making mistakes is all part of that education.  If we're observant we'll learn from the mistakes of others before we have to pay the price by making those same mistakes ourselves.


 Social Networking

"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."  Winnie the Pooh

With the internet and social networking sites it is a mistake to assume that just being a part of the world wide web means you will automatically find exposure.  It is a rude awakening when you realize how quickly a website or shop becomes buried in cyberspace.  An on-line business is ideal for someone who is more of an introvert and prefers to reach people through the written word rather than physically getting out there in person to sell yourself verbally.  But if that is your path of choice you have to take advantage of networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, and means of advertizing. 

Organization
 "The hardest part is what to leave behind,...It's time to let go!"  Winnie the Pooh

Having organizational skills and a daily schedule is paramount to a successful business.  This is especially true if you work out of your home.  Look closely at your habits and change what is necessary to stay on top of things.  A home business can easily become chaotic with constant interruptions, lack of work space and lack of organization with supplies and bookkeeping.
Find a balance between family and business.  Carve out a set amount of hours in the day that the message is clear to everyone else that you are "working" and demand respect for your time.

Perseverance
"Don't Go Straight, Go Forward"  The Mighty Manatees (an awesome band)
Expect to make mistakes since that is the way to learn and improve in anything.
Give yourself a break when things don't go easily.  No one said this road would be an easy one.

Hold onto your values, and your customer base will eventually grow.  People appreciate honesty and consideration.  Say what you'll do and do what you say.  Your business will be defined by those values, so keep your focus, eye on the goal, and stay motivated. 

Last, surround yourself with positive energy.  So what if some people think you a bit odd or crazy for taking on the unknown.  My husbands favorite bit of advice for me has always been,
"When in doubt, go for it."    We all have the right to seek out a dream.  To each his own.

The Path to Inner Peace

With the daily grind of catching the school bus behind us, there is a strange quiet about the house now. In the past, the end of a school year was met with the pride of being one step further up the social ladder of high school. Now there is the excitement tinged with trepidation of "What should I do now?"

The guest speaker at our son's graduation was the Reverend Emery Thompson. His message to the students centered on the path to personal success while maintaining inner peace. It was a very pertinent subject for all of us. Too often we see people reach their mid-40's or 50's, have attained financial success yet wonder why they're not happy or why they haven't realized such success in their personal lives.

Reverend Thompson claimed that our lives will be content and full of inner peace if we live by two guidelines. Be truthful and show mercy in our lives.

Though we live in a seemingly cutthroat, dog eat dog world, he stressed that in the long run, those whose word can be trusted by being honest when stating what he intends to do, and then follows through by doing what he says he intends to do, will be truly successful. To be perseverant and responsible will pay off in the end.
I've often heard the expression "It's where you end up that counts, not how you got there." I doubt Rev. Thompson would agree with that. He really stressed the significance of good reputation and character. What we interpret as personal success for ourselves will naturally follow.

Living by the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", is of utmost importance if we want to have a clear conscience and sleep at night. The reverend pointed out that there will be many people throughout our lives who need our support and mercy as they struggle with their own mistakes, or our forgiveness if those mistakes harm us or others. We are told that we have no right to expect ourselves to be forgiven if we are reluctant to be the forgiver as well. Whether this refers to our forgiveness by God or our fellow man, it does make sense.

Reverend Thompson also made it clear to the students to never undervalue or underestimate their potential. He had a list of "greats" who started out in life as peons or the least of us in social or economic circles. Stressed was the importance of the confidence to be willing to fail before you can realize succeed. That is how we learn.

As these young adults take their first baby steps into the world of the unknown, I really hope they have the guts to get out of their comfort zones and be willing to flounder about at times without feeling like they failed.

As much as I'd love to always be there and know what is going on with my children, I also know their wings will never spread if I keep them in a cocoon.

My husband's words of wisdom have always been, "When in doubt, go for it! What's the worst that can happen?"
As a mother I think "plenty can happen" ....but we can't live in fear... so
"Go for it guys and fill in the pages of your life!"

Cut Your Vet Bills with Home Pet Care

We do love our pets and worry constantly about their safety, health and welfare.

The situations they get themselves into never fail to amaze and amuse me.

Veterinary expenses are enough to deter the decision to take on the responsibility of a pet. Unless you can take care of some situations at homes, you may be spending a lot more on vet bills than you anticipated.
Routine care and awareness can nip a lot of potential problems in the bud.

How easy is it to turn a day upside down? Just ask these guys!
If there is an opening of any kind, be it dryer, washer, closet, cabinet, car, freezer, luggage, box, bag.....they are in it. We even have a kitten we suspect got packed up with donations to a local thrift shop! Their curiosity can get them into sooo much trouble!!

At least with cats they don't just eat anything like puppies will. Thankfully, these guys haven't yet required emergency surgery. They just show me what trouble they've gotten into by bringing whatever it was back up.

Belly and bowel upsets can be calmed by offering plain white rice, yogurt, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin in place of the usual kibble. Keep a can of pureed pumpkin on hand in the pantry. It is good for both constipation and diarrhea. Add about two tbsp. pumpkin (not the pie blend) for a medium sized dog. Continue at mealtimes till the problem resolves itself.

If your dog ate something toxic you should call your vet for reassurance that vomiting the substance back up is the right thing to do. Keep a bottle of hydrogen peroxide handy for such emergencies. Give one teaspoon for every five pounds of body weight to induce vomiting and repeat once if necessary.


Pets love touch. When you are brushing, holding or fussing with your pet, be conscious of any lumps, fur mats, odors, hot spots or minor wounds.
Long-haired fur mats easily which unless de-thatched can get tight and painfully pull the skin. Keep pets grooms to removed excess fur which otherwise ends up on your furnishings or ingested. To a certain extent furballs are ok but no one likes to clean up the yellow stain caused by a cat's vomit. A type of pet comb called the "furminator" is so efficient at removing that undercoat we only use it outside. The hair removed is unbelievable.

To help with hairballs in cats, give just a bit of butter (1/2 tsp) for a few days.

Odors and ear scratching may be an overgrowth of yeast. I found two recipes. The first is a mixture of 1/3 white vineger, 1/3 isopropyl alcohol and 1/3 distilled water. The second is 1/2 distilled water and 1/2 white vinegar. Either one is inexpensive and a good preventative for keeping those ears clear. Just wet a cotton square and wipe the outer ear canal once a week. Don't use q-tips. No poking inside the ear canal.

If your pet's ears are already scratched sore, don't use the vinegar or alcohol/vinegar blend as it will be painful for your pet. Add a garlic clove to an ounce of olive oil and keep in a glass dropper bottle. When not in use keep this mixture in the refrigerator since hopefully you won't be needing it that often. When needed warm the bottle by rolling between your hands or sit in a bowl of warm water for a few minutes. Do not microwave to avoid the chance of uneven hot spots. Add a small amount onto a cotton round and wipe out the ear canal or add just a small bit into the ear, gently squish a bit to help the ear clean itself and wipe with a cotton round or tissue.

If when you clean your cat's ears you find a black discharge on your cotton round, it is probably because of ear mites. The garlic olive oil can be used as a way to smother the mites but you have to be diligent and apply the oil daily until you don't see signs, which may take up to a month. If you have more than one cat there is a good chance you'll need to do this for each cat. Add a dropper of garlic oil to each ear, gently squish the ear cartilage so it gets down into the canal, wipe out with a cotton round to remove the black discharge and clean the ear. Be sure to do both ears.

Another great natural method of ear cleaning is to wipe out the canal with coconut oil. As an anti-fungal, coconut oil will help keep those yeasties at bay.

Learn more about coconut oil for your pets from this article. Coconut oil is loaded with the good fats our pets need for better digestion, fresher breath, smooth coat, clean teeth and to make life easier your dog will probably take it right off a spoon. Start off with about 1/4 tsp for every 10 pounds of body weight and work up to about a tsp. a day for the average 10 pound cat and 1-2 tbsp. a day for the average dog weight of 50-60 pounds or 1 tsp per 10 pounds.

To help keep those teeth clean and breath fresh, try adding a bit of coconut oil to an ordinary toothbrush and go over your dog or cat's teeth. Your dog will probably just try to chew on the brush but that's ok, he is still getting the antibacterial benefits on his teeth and mix with saliva to do the trick. Now a cat may like it or fight it but it's worth a try.

For a pet toothpaste combining coconut oil with the benefits of diatomaceous earth, try this blend

Pet Toothpaste

Pet skin allergies are one of the most common reasons pets need to visit their veterinarian. As frustrating for the doctor as for the pet owner, these conditions are often chronic, meaning all you're doing is offering temporary relief even though you go to the vet hoping the next "fix" will work this time for good. Prednisolone works like a magic pill but long term steroid use is often detrimental for your pet's health.

Be aware of what is in your pet's food. The more inexpensive brands are corn based which is a cheap filler, adds weight gain, often attributes to allergies, and is not the best thing for a naturally carnivorous animal. You will find that the better quality pet foods require less per serving, bringing the overall cost down. Cheaper foods don't offer the nutrition your pet needs, contain fillers and potentially harmful additives and preservatives, eventually evident in the condition of the skin, coat and possible chronic disease. The addition of 1 Tbsp. of flax seed oil added daily to your pet's diet can help with irritated skin. Commercial pet foods are often lacking in the 'good fats' so needed for healthy skin. Flax oil comes bottled in the refrigerated section of most health or natural food stores.

Allergies and anxiety can result in a dog miserable with itchy, twitchy skin resulting in obsessive licking a certain spot, known as hot spots. This mixture of vegetable glycerin and witch hazel (click here) is worth a try to help break the cycle and hopefully the licking will stop. Just spray the affected area and rub in a bit with your fingers.

Urinary blockages in cats is every cat owners nightmare. Blockages can be painfully fatal if not caught in time, so a trip to the visit should not be pushed off. Crystals can block the urethra making it very difficult or impossible for the cat to urinate. Signs of a bladder infection and inflammation include: frequent straining in the litter box, not making it to the litter box, voiding very little urine at a time, constant licking at the back end, lethargy, bloody urine, painful meowing.
Preventative measures include adding a bit of apple cider vinegar to your cat's water bowl to help keep the urine acidic or add some cranberry juice to your cat's diet. These can be given in capsule form or dried cranberry juice powder added to the food. Unsweetened cranberry juice or a cranberry tincture can be added to the water bowl. Ask your vet for the proper dosages. 

Minor wound care can be nursed at home. Keep on hand two 'must haves' from your health food store. Ask for the essential oils Tea Tree and Lavender. They'll come in little 1 oz. amber glass dropper bottles. Essential oils are very potent and NEVER allowed accessible to the possibility of your pet ingesting them. External use only!!

Should you have a wound to deal with, dilute 10 drops tea tree in a cup of warm water and wash the wound to disinfect and clean the area. Once clean and dry apply a good quality healing salve. If the wound is a puncture it needs to heal from the inside out. If it closes over too soon, there is an increase of infection. This is especially true with cat bites. Cat bites very often develop an abscess and antibiotics may be needed but home care of the wound is still necessary. For deeper wounds, keep the wound disinfected with the tea tree wash but wait a few days before applying the salve. Won't harm your pet if he licks at the salve.
This link is for an herbal salve utilizing the healing powers of herbs, Calendula and Comfrey.



click here












Lavender is like a first aid kit in a bottle. Just a drop will help the itch of bug bites. Dilute 10 - 15 drops in a pint of warm water and sponge bathe your pet to relief either sunburn or irritated, inflamed skin.

A great balm to keep on hand utilizes the properties of herbal oils Chickweed, Plantain and Comfrey. Apply to bug bites or inflamed skin conditions and hot spots. Won't harm your pet if he licks at the salve.

click here













Protection from the elements is done very efficiently by a dog's coat, but depending on the breed, they may be a bit more vulnerable to the sun's rays. Not all breeds have the skin protection of thick body fur and are susceptible to sun burn. Over-exposed noses and ears, or the body itself in hairless breeds, can suffer from sunburn just like with our unprotected skin. An herbal salve made up of St. Johnswort, Comfrey and Lavender, this balm not only repairs damaged tissue but calms down the inflammation and pain that follows a burn.

 click here

Some dog breeds just seem to have more of a doggy odor than others, and some dog fur just seems to take forever to dry after getting wet.  Come in from the rain or following a bath, and that wet dog smell can be very distinct.  This deodorant spray is listed as a deodorant spray for people seeking alternatives to aluminum based deodorants, but is also very good for our pets (not cats). Vanilla and Sage are often used in pet odor candles, for they are very good at eliminating odors. Being alcohol based, it dries quickly, leaving behind a really nice smelling pooch. Do not get into the eyes.

  click here

Bathing your dog can be a rewarding and bonding experience, especially if you know you are using a gentle shampoo free of potentially harmful additives. Over use of bathing products can dry out and contribute to the imbalance of skin conditions.
The links below are for shampoos based on the gentle, natural ingredients in Bronner's castile soap, Aloe Vera Gel and Apple Cider Vinegar.

General Clean Shampoo

Flea Deterrent Shampoo

Shampoo for irritated skin

A further use for lavender and peppermint is to add about 10 - 15 drops of either oil or a combination of both to an 16 oz. spray bottle of water. Spray your dog and/or pet bedding to freshen as well as repel fleas. If using on a cat the lavender is safe but avoid the peppermint. Also spray your mattress and upholstered furniture.

In addition for the battle with fleas, Diatomaceous Earth is a non-toxic all-natural powdered substance that can be rubbed directly into the fur and/or sprinkled onto the pet bedding. Diatomaceous earth  is not an earth. It is the fossilized remains of microscopic shells created by one celled plants called diatoms. It can also be used as an organic wormer and will kill any worms or parasites the pets may have. Be sure to use pure, food-grade DE. Nature’s Wisdom Diatomaceous Earth contains Perma-guard de. PERMA-GUARD is the trade name known world wide for using a grade and quality of Diatomaceous Earth (DE) that is extremely pure.

To use Diatomaceous Earth for fleas:
Avoid getting the powder into your pet's eyes. Rub about one tbsp. into the fur of dogs over 35 pounds. Use about one tsp. for cats or little dogs. Do this once or twice a week.
To use Diatomaceous Earth for worms:
Add one tbsp a day to your dog's food.
Add one tsp. a day to your cat's food.
Repeat this until you no longer see signs of worms either in the stool or in vomit.

Borax is another option for fleas. Sprinkle it over your carpets and rugs, work it in, wait at least a half hour, and vacuum.

For a natural flea powder combining diatomaceous earth with neem powder, yarrow powder and geranium essential oil, try this blend:

Pet Flea Powder

 Rescued pets have no way to actually tell us the origins of their fears and anxieties. We try to help these emotionally based behavioral disorders by offering secure, safe havens free of stress. But past traumas are buried deep and all it takes is the loud bang of gunfire, fireworks or even door slamming, to send a shaking pet under the bed. Or perhaps with your companion it is dealing with separation anxiety, and our dog exhibits inappropriate chewing, either of his own tail or paws or your home furnishings. Before relying on anti-anxiety medication, try the power of herbal remedies. Lavender and chamomile are safe for pets and are great for calming fears.

A remedy great to have on hand though you hope never to have to use it is Bach Flower Rescue Remedy. It is a remedy to give in situations of extreme shock and fear. It is made up of five flower essences known for their calming properties: Impatiens, Clematis, Rock Rose, Cherry Plum and Star of Bethlehem. Found at a health food store, this remedy developed by Dr. Edward Bach, should be in every first aid kit and every car glove compartment. Preventing shock at the time of an emergency definitely can save lives. Give two to four drops on the tongue or gums every 10 - 15 minutes en route to the veterinarian.


Listed below is an essential oil based spray useful for spraying pet bedding or massaging it right into their fur. It will help with fears and anxiety as well as calm down an excited pet in preparation for sleep. This air or linen spray also works great for people who have trouble sleeping and children who need help settling down. Click here




The threat of Lyme disease is always a concern for pets as well as ourselves.  Ticks can be very stubborn to the typical flea and tick sprays. Rather than dousing yourself and loved ones with pesticides and organophosphates, and then worry about the risks of these toxic ingredients, try an approach these buggers naturally detest and don't build up a resistance. The scent of certain essential oils encourages them to flee. Ticks don't like the smell of the oil therefore try to avoid it. Rose Geranium, Pelargonium graveolens, is a necessary part of any effective eco-friendly tick repellent. This spray is ideal for use on your dogs, but don't use on cats. Some essential oils can be dangerous to cats. Cats don't have the enzymes necessary to break down certain components and unless eliminated efficiently their build-up can lead to toxicity.

A great tip to remember:
When you come in from outside or even periodically while on a hike or gardening, take a lint roller and go over your clothing to pick up any ticks. Roll it over your dog or cat to pick up any ticks. Being deer ticks are so small and blend in so well with darker clothing and fur, this tip is genius.

  click here


Below is a great gift idea for the dog lover! A nice assortment of care products useful for people and their pets for bath time, times of anxiety, tick prevention, wound care and pet odor.
click here

Your dog will love these handmade, homemade dog treats to help repel fleas.
Click here to take you to a blog post with the recipe.

Last, please remember that when you have a young dog you have to be patient and tolerant. Dogs aim to please and aren't purposely getting on your nerves with their impulsive, destructive behaviors.
Here is a cute, yet so true post about living with a toddler dog

I'm Sorry!

The items shown above can be found within the Meadow Muffin Gardens shop